Journal

January 25, 2007

I inhale a shallow breath, a quivering of thoughts and feelings scream and claw to be set free. All senses are magnified, but a sixth sense is apparent to no one but me. I am not crazy. I just have differing wires and synapses than you. I walk into a room and I feel your pain and sorrow, and that of the person sitting next to you, and the next, and so on. All of you at once, it is over whelming, a smothering that is invisible, a white noise that is tuned to a frequency used by so few.

A fear that seeps into my heart and cascades like a dew drop off a leaf after a hot summers rain. A thickness that will not thin, will not dissipate, silence does not come, even in the still of the night when all is motionless. What shall I say, will you look with compassion, or with fear and disgust, a bewilderment that you wear so well.

I have been on my island of madness and sorrow far to long, with no intimacy or nurturing to ease my troubled mind, a spirit that has yet to soar infinitely, without chains of remorse and shame, without guilt or fear. You offer all that I need and still I hesitate, a comfort of disorder and chaos, you will leave, or more so not accept that which I was and all that I will become.

I would dip my brush deep inside to put forth my emotions, bring to life a glimmer of who I am. My muse is elusive, unwilling to come forth, my inspiration is an untapped reservoir of love, anger, fear, shame. A childs heart in a man’s body, an unquiet mind which knows no rest, to learn to be still, a wish that has not fallen. Your heart and mind will touch me, I yearn to express my joy of the light that shines within you, yet I stay silent.To quiet the demons within, to unleash the innocence and laugh, cry, scream and to sigh, oh yes to sigh.